I slid out of my nightmare and in to awake this morning. It is never the most pleasant of ways to start my mornings, and happens more often than I'd like. At least today's happened at 5 am, instead of the more usual 2 or 3 am.

In my nightmare, the prophet had just been murdered, I think, and the end of the world was beginning. I was spending a lot of time in a grocery store with a neighbor, casually picking up all these things that we would need--5 pound bags of pasta, peanut butter, that sort of stuff. I was relatively calm in the beginning. I even had the foresight to go to the store that is less busy so people wouldn't be fighting me for stuff. But I got progressively more and more stressed until I woke up.

It takes me a while to come out of things like this. I spend quite a while halfway in between asleep and awake, manipulating events to work to my benefit. Except that this morning? I couldn't make them come to my benefit. I know what state my food storage is in. I'm under stress. And the situation in my half dream/half awake stage just kept getting worse.

So I really woke up and thought about all that has happened recently.

I have a son scheduled for a tonsillectomy next week. The hospital called yesterday to pre-register him and told me what it was going to cost us to use them. We don't currently have insurance. If we pay up front, it will cost us approximately $1400.00. If we don't pay up front (which is not possible right now) it's more like $2000.00 at 6% interest. We can't even afford the monthly payments on that. As of last night, I get to call the Dr. this morning and cancel the tonsillectomy. I don't even have that much money in my medical savings account. And that's just the hospital. I still have to pay the Dr. and the Anesthesiologist.

The son in question (Pablo) came down and slept next to me last night, on the little blanket beside the bed thing we have arrange for all nocturnal visitors. As I sat in bed and contemplated nightmares and life I listened to him breathe. He has sleep apnea. He snores. The whole nine yards. And I hurt. I hurt because we can't give him what he needs. I want my son to breathe normally. I want him to thrive. I want him to stop waking up at night and coming down to sleep next to us. I want him to stop gagging when he eats carrots. And we can't give him what he needs.

I'm one of those gazillion Americans without health insurance. This morning, I want that problem solved. But I don't even know what the right answer is for that, and I feel even more powerless.

I need some love.

Love, Eowyn

FYI--If you are wondering what has happened to Kim, She is currently in a hospital in Vancouver. She had some bleeding and they air-evaced her to Vancouver for better medical care. She's fine. Bleeding has stopped. Baby's fine. In fact, she's not really sure why she's still in the hospital. She has been diagnosed with a fairly sever case of placenta previa and so the baby will be taken via c-section at 36 weeks. She will be living with her parents until the baby is born. She's mostly just bored out of her skull. She will have much blogging to do when she gets done. She misses you terribly and wants to have a computer back.
8 Responses
  1. Melanie J Says:

    1. Thanks for the Kim update. I'd just been wondering yesterday what happened to her. Glad she's okay.

    2. I'm sorry for your troubles. Without getting political, it makes me tear my hair out that the average American, complacent with the care provided by their corporate employers or unions, doesn't see the need for change in our health care system. I don't know the answer either, but complacency isn't it. People like you should never have to worry about such things for your children. I hope all is resolved. Keep the priesthood blessings coming in the mean time, and I'll keep you in my prayers.

  2. Kazzy Says:

    Oh, Eowyn. I am sorry for your no-ins state. That is so hard. We were in that boat for awhile years ago and it was very stressful. I am always concerned about something in my family life, and each time it is tied back to money. But recently I have tried to be more philosophical about it (much easier said than done). I think of all the ways we are trying to be on the right track, and I realize that even though things are often tight we are pushing forward with the deeper, less tangible stuff. You are in my thoughts.

    And I appreciate the update on Kim. I am glad things look better.

  3. EEEEMommy Says:

    I love you, friend!
    I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. I will be praying that God would provide for your son's surgery in His perfect timing. Is there any one at your church that can help? I might be in the minority, but I am passionate that churches and individual believers need to be the ones who are stepping up with solutions, and providing help and assistance. It's obvious that throughout Jesus' ministry, he cared personally about "healthcare", there are no accounts of Him sending a leper to Caesar for healing. His church needs to be following His example. It's a poor witness when we don't.

    I'm praying for you!

  4. L.T. Elliot Says:

    I love you, Eowyn. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You're right--we need something better than this but I don't have answers either. I'm praying for you and your family. For now, my heart is with you. I hope God sends your miracle soon.

    p.s. Thank you very much for the update on Kim. I'm heartbroken for what she's had to go through but I'm so glad she and baby are okay. You're a wonderful friend--to all of us.

  5. Laine Says:

    I haven't checked blogs in a while. I'm sorry to come here and read this. I can feel the stress. Hang in there...love and prayers...elaine

    and thanks for the Kim update!

  6. Catherine Says:

    Oh my goodness, to everything. I don't even know where to start except, you said you need some love...here's some.


  7. charrette Says:

    My heart hurts when I read this.
    I wish I had a way to help you.


  8. Ugh. This post truly captures the heartache you are feeling. There is not much worse than feeling helpless when it comes to helping your children. I will be praying for you and your family. (((HUGS)))