You know the one.

The one where for just a second you see what you could become. You see the grand in you, the shining one who is amazing, in control, successful.

The one we run away from.

At least I do, anyway.

- - -

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us."
~Marianne Williamson~

- - -

I have never understood that quote until Saturday night. I had a very hard conversation with someone close to me. (There have been a lot of these happening of late.) One of the outcomes of this conversation (other than realizing again just how badly communication has gone awry) is that I am a walking ball of fear. I do not trust myself. I constantly look to other people for approval and confirmation of every decision. I run away from the best me.

- - -

"We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?"
~Marianne Williamson~

- - -

I wonder if my fear is related to a mentality of lack. I don't go in to activities or plans focused on whether I shall succeed or not. I go in to them trying not to fail. I think there is a huge difference. For instance, Faramir and I have been married for 14+ years now. We do not own a house. We have been talking about buying one for a while. However, all I can see is the reasons that we should wait, or be cautious. I'm not trying to figure out how to make it happen.

I remember talking to a sibling about another one.

I have lots of siblings. I was talking to The PA Student about The Solipsist. I was being a bit envious (probably whining) of all of the fun things that the Solipsist does--like traveling the world. The PA Student made some comment that "Oh, they have a different world view. They make things happen."

I didn't really get it that night, but I do now--at least on some level.

- - -

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration."
~Frank Herbert~ Litany against Fear from Dune

- - -

Heather of the EO's wrote a post about erasing herself. I've been thinking about it ever since, because something in that post spoke to me. The Spirit whispered that there was something I am supposed to learn from that. And the last line of the quote above is the thing I think I'm supposed to learn. Yes, addiction can erase a person, but it's really not the addiction that's doing it. It's the fear behind the addiction. I don't necessarily have to use alcohol to erase myself. Fear will do that all by itself.

Because ultimately, every time I run away from the shining me, I am erasing myself a little bit--letting someone else be in control, giving myself away to some other thing--the computer game when I could be writing, the book when I could be playing with my children. . . The list goes on and on

And so, I must learn.

- - -

I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
~Frank Herbert~ Litany against Fear from Dune

- - -

"You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
~Marianne Williamson~

- - -

I have so many thoughts running through my head. Using fear to avoid responsibility. Learning how to change my mindset so that I can focus on how to make things succeed. Changing my communication patterns so my lack of confidence in myself doesn't imply lack of confidence in other people. Fear stopping progression.

I'm obviously not done processing. I'm not sure such a revelation can be processed in just a day or two.

Much to learn.
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8 Responses
  1. I DO know that vision! I want more glimpses of it more often.

    I love both the quotes you used here; thank you so much for reminding me of them.

    We're on a similar path, I think. Let's process together. xo

  2. Kimberly Says:

    I think you know how with you I am in this. This post resonates with me so, so deeply. I think it's the rawest, most truly beautiful post you've ever written.

    How lucky we are to have more than a day or two. To have a lifetime. To know that we have time and yet perhaps, to push aside the fear enough to YEARN to learn things these more quickly. So that we can live. Not just survive or exist, but LIVE.

  3. Emily Says:

    Deep thoughts, and like you said, it can't be processed all in one day. I'll be thinking about this today as I clean my house. Deep, deep thoughts.

    And ps-loved your lesson in RS.

  4. EEEEMommy Says:

    I'm struggling to know what to type yet feel compelled to type something. Marianne Williamson is NOT the answer, nor does she hold the Truth. I can relate on so many different levels. I never considered myself a person who had issues with fear, yet the kind of fear that you described is the kind of fear I face as well. It's a fear that breeds contentment with mediocrity. God has been opening my eyes to this fear over the course of the past several months. The solution that He has presented is a life of Total Surrender to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. It's scary to bow the knee and say, "Not my will, but Thine," but God is faithful. His perfect love casts out all fear. If we can get to that point of absolute surrender and entrust our lives completely into God's hands, then and only then can we do the good works that He has created us to do. We need to be emptied of ourselves and filled with the Holy Spirit. "We have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves." (II Cor. 4:7)

    I would love to sit down and talk for hours with you. I see your heart, appreciate your vulnerability, and relate to what you're going through. But seeing Marianne Williamson's name, knowing that she is a false teacher whose words are so dangerous, makes my heart want to scream! Seek the Truth, dear friend! Open your Bible and allow it's Truth to permeate your soul. I love you!!

  5. Kazzy Says:

    Love your template! Vibrant, like you!

    I have always loved the quote about being afraid of our power. So cool and so true! Thanks for all of this inspiration!

  6. Melanie J Says:

    It sounds like you're on the verge of a wonderful turning point.

    While I'm generally not a Marianne Williamson fan, that quote is one of my favorite of all time. I just think there's so much truth in it, especially when she talks about being born to make manifest the glory of God within us. I don't think it makes Heavenly Father happy when we are not shining as brightly as possible, especially because it reflects him when we do.

  7. L.T. Elliot Says:

    (Love the new look, btw.)

    This post is especially powerful to me. I live in fear so often. I hesistate and worry and doubt and use it as a cover to keep from progressing. Why am I so afraid? I don't know. All I know is that I want to stand in the sunlight and feel okay being there.

    Thank you for taking the step and naming the fear. I'm terrified--but I think I might step out with you.

  8. Audra Says:

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I needed to hear those things right now. Maybe if I get bombarded with it enough, it will start to sink in. :)