Eowyn
It's that time of year.

When the ebb feels low and the flow feels slow.

It's that time of year when I'm reminded of how many people think that life is a circle. And I'm reminded that I don't agree with them.

Circular life=insanity.

My life is like a super-long coil. A roller coaster with only loop-de-loops that goes on forever. It does go up and down but constantly in a forward motion (or sometimes backwards, if it's a really bad moment).

I'm in a trough right this moment. I'm emotionally drained by life. Problems have presented themselves that I have no idea how to solve. My fears are climbing up the back ladder and curling their way into and through my heart and mind.

It's not a pretty place to be, and I'm starting to show it to everyone else-this darkness that is fear and worry.

Fire and Ice have collided and I feel like my soul is burnt.

I fight it. I struggle. I pray. I try to act like it's all okay. I plow my way through questions, hoping that I can stumble upon the right question so that the answer will come.

It's not okay yet. The answers are not coming yet.

But one of the beautiful things about me is that I have a very firm belief that it will someday be okay again. I have always come out on top again in the past and I have no reason to believe that I won't again in the future. You see, God told me so.

He's been telling me that a lot lately--not that I've been listening. He keeps reminding me that me+God equals a majority. I'm still struggling to learn that.

It's January. It has snowed--covering the dead brown. Someday--sooner than I can possibly imagine--it will be May again. The roller coaster car will come back up.

Thank the Heavens Above for that!
11 Responses
  1. Melanie J Says:

    Me + God equals a majority.

    I like that.

    Hang in there. Sounds like you don't need to be reminded to do that, but . . . just take it as a show of solidarity. :)


  2. Terresa Says:

    I could have written this same post today, but I wrote a poem instead naming fear depression angst and darkness word by word.

    I feel overwhelmed by it all, bits and pieces of my life fragmenting and disintegrating. I'm drowning, too, but know that in time, I will resurface again.

    PS: God is a good partner to have.


  3. Emily Says:

    I love the analogy of a spring. Moving forward forever to Eternity... can we PLEASE get together next week? PLEASE?


  4. L.T. Elliot Says:

    "Fire and Ice have collided and I feel like my soul is burnt."

    Oh, Eowyn. *Hugs* I know you know all the good stuff, you said it yourself, so I won't say it for you. What I will say is that you're not alone.

    We really do need to get together. Even if it's only long enough for a hug and a thank you. Thank you, friend. Thank you.


  5. Kimberly Says:

    I just want to give you a big hug and laugh and cry with you until our faces hurt. It isn't fair to have a best friend so far away during such times.

    You wrote this so beautifully - it echoes my own loopty-looping heart. I desperately hope your upswing comes soon. I hate to see you hurting, but then again, I love to see you being YOU. Open. Genuine. Thank you for sharing yourself, the whole of you.


  6. I wish I had gotten a sense of this when we were together; you seemed so serene and at peace. Hang in there!


  7. Kazzy Says:

    I know what you mean. There are a handful of things in my life that I have had to let go because I can't solve them.

    And when Spring comes I always feel better. Hang in there.


  8. Laine Says:

    I'm sorry you are struggling so much Dedee. I'm happy to hear that you do have faith that it will be okay eventually, sometimes those moments of knowing that are all that can pull a girl through the rough spots. I love you.


  9. EEEEMommy Says:

    If I had read this post when you originally wrote it, I could have easily commiserated. A few weeks ago, I hit the lowest low that I've hit in a really really long time; but God met me in that place in a very real and quietly powerful way. At my darkest hour, I read through a few Psalms and wept myself to sleep. The next morning, I awoke with a very vivid sense of peace and His precious words, "His mercies are new every morning," clearly etched in my mind. I had such a tangible feeling of having experienced a spiritual healing and renewal while I slept. I can't say that I've ever experienced such so dramatically before. Since then, life has been looping back up, not because the circumstances have changed all that much, but that the Holy Spirit is strengthening me where I was trying to do it in my own strength (even when I thought I was relying on Him) before. I'm praying for you, that you too will have a real sense of His presence and comfort in your life, and that His power would be perfected in your weakness. God is truly loving, compassionate, and personal.

    I love you, friend. I have missed you too!


  10. Even though you are on one of your down turns right now, it is amazing how the light of hope within you still shimmers through. You truly do know that you and God together will make it through. I can feel it in your words!

    Anything in particular weighing you down? Or just the typical twists and turns life gives to us?

    Hugs!


  11. Things are finally starting to work themselves out at our house. It's been rough. I'm sorry that it has been rough for you, too. I'm here anytime you need to talk. Hugs!