My brain is dead. Can you believe it. I've had four different thoughts for posts today and now they are gone. . .

Oh wait. . .

There's one.

Fear. What I find interesting in myself is how much I value fear. There's part of me that thinks that if I let go of the fear something horrible will happen.

For instance, I intensely dislike taking showers when I'm the only one home. (Thank you, Mr. Alfred Hitchcock!)My mom's the same way. It took her years before she could do that. I'm the same way. If I can navigate things so that I don't have to do that, I will. I want to not have the fear.

But there's this purely illogical part of me that believes that if I stop fearing it the universe will show me and let something horrible happen.

So I just try really hard not to think about it.

I'm the same way sleeping when my husband is gone somewhere else (Vegas this last week).

I've found a few things that help. Keeping busy. Putting calming music on.

I'm making a little progress.

When I was first married I wouldn't even leave the house after dark. If there were groceries that needed to be purchased, Faramir did that. Now I go grocery shopping all the time---well maybe not all the time, but it is a chance for some me time.

There's also staying home alone at all. Even now, when Faramir has the kids and I'm just hanging out. I do alright but all those stupid little thoughts come in. All those "what if's"

It's a mind game. I realize that. But one of the things that I realized today was that I now ask Faramir to take the kids elsewhere on occasion because I value quiet more than the fear. I go shopping because I value my sanity more than the fear. Showers? Cleanliness more than the fear--or at least the chance to shower un-interrupted and without worrying about whether someone is going to pummel someone else while I'm gone for that 5 minutes.

And so, I see me making progress.

But only a little bit, because even typing this post is making me fear that something horrible is going to happen. Now that I've proclaimed to the universe that I'm making a little progress, the boom is going to be lowered.

I'll just stop thinking about that now.
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7 Responses
  1. Melanie J Says:

    I try very hard to never let fear stop me doing something and I mostly succeed, but not so much when it's the wee hours of the morning and I hear a strange noise in the house. Then I'm very, very fearful.

  2. EEEEMommy Says:

    Perfect love casts out all fear, dear friend! Cast all your cares upon Him, for He careth for you.

    Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed (do not anxiously look about you) for I am your God, I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

    Be encouraged to fear God not the what ifs. You are never alone. God is with you. The angel of the Lord encamps about those who fear Him and delivers them.

    Take those fearful thoughts captive and replace them with the truth of God's Word. He loves you with an everlasting love. His plans for you are for good and not for evil to give you a future and a hope. Fear comes from the enemy; he is a liar and the father of all lies. Trust the Lord completely and surrender those fears to Him. God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in time of trouble. Therefore I will not fear...

    Love you!
    Grace and PEACE,

  3. The whole fear/anxiety issue is a deep and full one. We deal with it a lot at our house. If one is fearful due to lack of faith, than increased faith will help--but if one is fearful b/c they have a little bit of a chemical thing going on or it is a personality thing or they have had enough traumatic things happen to them in relation to their innocence (in other words, it doesn't have to be anything terribly bad, just terribly traumatic b/c it was so unexpected) then fear is not always conquered by faith. The truth is, fear does play an important role in our lives as human beings--it keeps us from doing dangerous things. Everybody knows showering when the house is empty is just asking for trouble (thanks Mr. Hitchcock!!)

  4. Kimberly Says:

    The curse of a vivid imagination...and possibly too many books read in the still of the night?

    It's hard to fight it, I know, but you've come so far, you really have. And I think that's the sort of thing a person if more likely to be blessed for that otherwise, but I understand the trepidation!

  5. Fear is a powerful thing, no wonder we are told it is the opposite of faith.

    And by the way, I love the new look around here!

  6. Homesteading Says:

    I found you through Kim's blog roll. Thanks Kim!
    I can relate to this post. To fear. I was so afraid of people for the longest time that I avioded social situation like the plague. I think I have won the battle with the fear, until I am in a crowded room. Then I have to remember to breath. It's gotten better, but can still be a challenge for me.
    I love reading blogs and finding out that there are so many other people with fears that they are striving to overcome. It gives me strenth to keep working at it.

  7. charrette Says:

    I do not sleep well when Jeff's out of town. But I think the fear of seeing my naked body in the mirror eclipses any other fear associated with showering! :)

    I actually memorized a lot of those scriptures e-mommy quoted. They're comforting to me in battling my own fears. I also avoid horror movies.